10 Must-Ask Co-Parenting Questions for a Stronger, Happier Relationship
Essential questions for couples navigating shared parenting together
April 7, 2024: I completed my 52nd Ambitious Dad interview this past week, and it reinforced how many of us (me definitely included) are in the dark about strategies for co-parenting well. This is my second foray into the topic, and exploring it with my wife has brought a lot more empathy into our house.
Our 7 and 4 year old boys are great at sharing… until they aren’t. Shouts, pushes, tears and even a punch can ensue. These completely dysregulated acts shock my wife and I so much that we’re forced to act instinctively (and try to act calmly). And let me just end the suspense, I am not instinctively calm in this scenario. I do the best I can in the moment. Afterwards, I’m desperate for feedback and a debrief from my wife. Did I handle that ok? Why were you so calm? Do you think that was the right punishment? Did you just give him ice cream? Ahhhh!
How we support, rather than undermine our partner in their role as a co-parent should fill volumes. It does not. There are 1000X more articles related to rekindling your sex life after kids, then on the topic that would keep it fully “kindled” in the first place! Instead, we’re left to our own devices and sleep-deprived empathy skills. My last article, Why is Coparenting so F@#$ing Hard tries to scratch the surface of this far too under-resourced topic.
Mismatching Parenting Philosophies
We all bring very different views on child-rearing into our relationships, and deeply misunderstand those of our partners. This is particularly true for couples from different cultural or religious backgrounds, which is over 50% of American couples these days. My wife and I definitely fall into that category. Her culture involves solving everything with a lollipop. Mine involves a breathing exercise and an existential conversation. They’re both (mostly) useless. So when history is not common ground, we must be very intentional about developing our parenting styles together.
“We each have values that are more important, and when these values get triggered, that is where there is conflict,” explained Ambitious Dad Jesus Gerena about his co-parenting experience. “My wife is extremely focused on doing things together as a family, and I’m not as stressed about it. At the same time, it’s important for me that they value the gifts they get and toys they have. This isn’t as important for her.”
There’s good news and there’s bad news
The bad news is that there’s a distinct and sudden drop in relationship satisfaction when we have children, and it’s strongly correlated with misaligned expectations about what life after fathering a baby will be like. It’s mismatched assumptions, not just values, about house cleaning, diaper changing, night feedings, work schedules, etc.
Ambitious Dad Scott Klausner opened up about his experience. “We don’t manage the sharing well. We’re always at capacity but we’re noticing that it’s a season. It changes as the kids grow. We don’t plan far ahead. We make peace with it. Our life is chaotic, but we want this life. We align on the big picture things. The details we do differently, and how to align at this level is hard.”
But the good news is this: we can overcome all of this with some thoughtful questions to help us identify these mismatched philosophies and assumptions and strategize what to do about it. Emotions will always run high when we’ve got different approaches to children we love with all our heart. These questions will help us find the space to understand one-another better and solve problems together. Take a look:
Our baggage: What aspect of our upbringing do we wish had been better or different?
We’ve all got triggers. Things that we really wish had been different in our childhood. For me it was food. I lived on sugar - from Frosted Flakes to cupcakes everyday - so healthy eating is really important to me. Explaining that to my wife, who grew up in a virtual heath food store, and remembers the ocasional soda as a childhood miracle, helps her be more empathetic to my (over)reactions to junk food in the hands of our children.
Our bliss: What parts of our childhood do we remember with such love that we want to ritualize them with our children?
For my wife, who was raised in a Catholic-Italian family, every holiday is a wonderful memory of her childhood, which she wants recreated at all cost. That means we even fly home to the states for traditions big and small because I (finally) understand how important they are to her.
Our division of labor: How are we feeling about the division of labor around administrative tasks like doctors appointments, day care, finances, grocery shopping, meals, etc.? Which ones are overwhelming us? How can we divide them up fairly?
For most of the Ambitious Dads I spoke with, the decisions about who cleans the dishes or changes diapers or leaves work for doctor’s visits happens a bit “spontaneously,” which is to say without intention. This can easily give birth to hidden resentment. Regular conversations about the tasks we each take on and, especially, how we’re feeling about them might surprise us.
Our egos: What are one or two key actions we can take to support and affirm our partner’s roles and decisions as a co-parent?
I do not get tired of my wife complimenting my fatherly skills. When I take the boys for hours of playground mischievousness, to hear her say how great I was with them or how happy they seem boosts me up for hours (or until the next meltdown). Meanwhile, during the difficult moments when parenting doesn’t come with any right answers, like arriving late to the scene of a “brotherly” Mike Tyson fight, letting our partner know we thought they did the best they could given the circumstances is a big help.
Our pet peeves: Can we share one thing we each feel might unintentionally undermine our co-parenting, and discuss ways we can be mindful of this to better support each other's roles and decisions?
One Ambitious Dad I spoke with said that while they planned out most of the co-parenting responsibilities, everything got dumped on his wife when he had to travel for work. When he’d return, he didn’t double down to counterbalance her extra effort. Having a conversation about this lifted the cloud of resentment a lot.
Our throw-downs: How can we effectively handle conflicts in front of our children?
“One of my greatest struggles is communicating with my wife when we’re tired. I know saying the wrong thing can trigger conflict,” admitted one Ambitious Dad. We all recognize conflict is normal, but done well it can actually be good for children’s development. When our children see us repair after a disagreement - apologizing, hugging, reaching consensus, etc., we’re helping them recognize the tools for success.
Our favorites: How do we maintain fair bonds with our children, ensuring no one feels left out or favored?
There’s no denying our children go through periods of “favorite parent,” and it can be hard not to lean into these opportunities. So it really helps to have a partner to gently identify it and strategize with us on how to even things out.
Our dad bods: How will we continue to support one-another's mental and physical health in the chaos and challenges that come with our children at all ages?
One of my favorite responses to this came from Ambitious Dad Mike Parker who simply explained, “We give each other permission that ‘we’re off this Saturday’ and give the other the space to have a day to do nothing.” I just tried this with my wife. It didn’t work.
Our prison warden skills: How do we plan to set and enforce fair discipline and consequences for our child that we both agree on?
Bad co-parenting should be easy to spot: your spouse is trying to get your child to do one thing and because you’re both short on sleep or haven’t communicated on timing, you try to enforce something else, successfully. This subtly shows our children that it’s ok to ignore the other parent. This is a big weak spot for my wife and I. At this point our toddler could effectively run a pyramid scheme. But disciplining happens spontaneously, so the trick for us is to talk about consequences in advance, and try not to promise anything without checking in with the other.
Our crazy in-laws: What are our expectations and boundaries for in-law involvement in our children's lives, considering family history, health, and childcare support?
“No more one-way tickets!” I screamed in frustration after my in-laws visited for 35 straight days. Trust me, it was a tough 5 weeks. At the same time, my in-laws are incredible with babies and played a huge role during COVID. But there’s always a limit. It’s best to talk through where that line is, for example, my father-in-law cannot walk around our house in tighty-whities (anymore).
There are more questions. A lot more. It’s a daily challenge to co-manage little humans that we love more than we ever could have imagined. Emotional outbursts (by our kids) and triggering experiences (for us) are par for the course. These questions can help us view our parenting conflicts through a softer, more empathetic lens. Hopefully, they spark new strategies for support, as well. For an idealized start to this topic, you could dive into developing a family mission statement and list of family values, but we’ll get into that another time... For now, please share what other topics have been critical to talk through in your co-parenting experiences.
I loved this! So so relevant. Forwarding to my husband right now 😅