Ambitious Dads Proudly (and Vulnerably) View Fatherhood as Core to Their Identities

I’ve lived in several countries, and when I meet someone new I never get asked, “Are you a dad?” I’m queried about what I do for work eons before I’m asked about my diaper duties. I asked my wife to validate this from her perspective and to understand how quickly the topic of motherhood comes up, “I think women are comfortable and feel natural relating to their role as a mom, so they are more likely to ask upfront.”

But as Ambitious Dads, we want to prioritize and define ourselves as fathers. “When I introduce myself, the first thing I say is that I’m a girl dad,” explained Ambitious Dad Matt Benedon. “I have 3 girls. This is very different from even just a few years ago. I’ve grown into this.”

Being a dad is central to our identities today. It’s a fact. Over 90% of men say being a parent is core to who we are, according to a Pew Research study from 2017, with 58% saying it is extremely important.  It is core to our identity and we feel insecure about the dads we are. We are less positive about our parenting abilities compared to moms. In 2015, a separate Pew Research survey found just 39% of dads felt that they were doing a “very good job” raising their kiddos. More than half of all moms feel like they are. Of course, there are infinite reasons for this, from culture, to support networks, to shitty daytime soap operas. The point I want to make is, in this generational shift where we strive to be Ambitious Dads and lead in work as well as at home with our children, we have a deep vulnerability in our identification as fathers. Role models are scarce, our culture is barely making a peep about our ambitions, and the conversations are still few and far between.

Embracing Multifaceted Identities

Tony Robbins famously said, “The most powerful force in the human personality is the need to stay consistent with how we define ourselves.” For the longest time we defined ourselves as “breadwinners.” Today our identity is more complex. The good news, when we have more than 1 identity we are more resilient. To understand why, imagine our personality as similar to the house we live in. If it is a studio apartment and a pipe bursts in the ceiling, everything gets damaged. If we have a 4-room house, and the pipe bursts in our bedroom, we still have 3 other rooms to thrive in. 

When I grew up, I was exclusively focused on gymnastics. I was an elite gymnast all the way through university. Like many athletes, my identity was tied to my sport. This is why so many olympians have real crises after finishing their careers. Then one day, I got injured. I couldn’t do gymnastics for 6 months. I was lost - until I discovered what I had been missing. It was like a grand awakening for me, and it made me far more resilient. When we’re more than 1 thing, we feel less vulnerable. And according to a 2018 study by Promundo and Dove Men + Care, more than 70% of working dads would change jobs to spend more time with their children. Our identities are shifting.

As dads this can make us feel incredibly vulnerable. We’re learning as we go, but we’ve not giving nor receiving the feedback we need from each-other.  Ambitious Dad Kevin Thompson explained, “We are engaged fathers and executives so what really suffers is self-care and our identity as an individual. It’s like self-esteem meeting self-awareness. How do you stay anchored as an individual when you’re giving so much at work and as a parent but not so much to yourself?”

We are in a delicate place. We identify as dads and executives, and we don’t have much left. So how do we strengthen the confidence of our fatherhood identity? Here are five unique and powerful ways:

1. Ritualize our entrance into fatherhood. For the majority of human history, cultures around the globe practiced detailed rituals to initiate men into fatherhood. Called couvade, these included being placed in isolation and deprived of food or staying in bed and simulating the pains of childbirth while others comforted them. My favorite example (not really) was the indigenous Huichol people of Mexico who would tie ropes to the father-to-be’s testicles and pull on them during contractions. A more modern twist (no pun intended) could simply be a fatherhood retreat with other dads-to-be.

2. Register for parent-child classes together. Participate in activities that aren’t considered ‘dad-centric’ such as parent-child yoga, cooking classes, or art workshops. This will help us normalize our roles in all aspects of parenthood and finally enable us to nail the perfect downward facing dog. 

3. Volunteer with (someone else’s) children. We should be helping out at schools, libraries, community centers, etc., and exposing ourselves to other children and age groups, as well as other parenting styles. Our sense of accomplishment will grow, as will our confidence and immune systems (eventually). 

4. Father-child adventures. Taking one-on-one trips with your child is one of the most impactful opportunities for bonding, growth and building confidence. I literally did this last week with my youngest, who is 3.5. We took a high speed train to Madrid, went to the train museum and spent hours in the parks. It made me feel so much better about our relationship, and I learned so much being singularly focused on him for a mere 24 hours. 

5. Write out your personal fatherhood philosophy: We write strategies for our companies all the time - with goals, metrics, action items, and mission statements. Why shouldn’t we be doing this for our parenting? If we don’t know what type of father we want to be, we’ll remain insecure. What type of relationship do we want to have? What values do we want to instill in our children? Can you be specific for their age and how it will change over time? Take the time to write it down.

But this new identity is so hard now! 

The world is VUCA, (sorry that’s consultant speak for volatile, unpredictable, complex and ambiguous). It means that two-thirds of the jobs our middle schoolers will graduate into by the time they finish college haven’t even been invented yet. It means that keeping up with all this change - in our children’s lives not just our own - is daunting and growing. We want to keep them safe, prepared, happy and educated. Juggling all this responsibility can feel overwhelming.

Embracing our primary identity as dad’s is a crucial first step in building our confidence, particularly in a VUCA world. This shift in perspective isn’t just about our personal growth either. It also influences our culture’s views on masculinity and fatherhood. Gone are the days where we recognize ourselves only as breadwinners, and talked about nothing but work (and sports). We networked to grow our careers. We compared ideas and argued about football teams. Today, as Ambitious Dads, we can change the narrative. Let’s talk about our journeys together, our worries, questions and struggles. Let’s make “what’s it like being a dad?” the first question we ask a fellow father.