Fatherhood Outside the Fringes of the Day
Embracing Quality Time: Navigating Beyond Morning Chaos and Evening Exhaustion
The hour before our children catch the bus to school is undoubtedly the most stressful time of the day. Getting our toddler ready, praying he agrees to wear pants, and satisfied if he’s eaten a mere bite of yogurt, or chocolate milk, or vodka, while his sibling debates between breakfast and remodeling the playroom, wreaks havoc on my parenting ego. I’ve got to prepare their snacks then pack up their backpacks, all the while exchanging pleasantries with my wife, who I pretend is an ideal morning person (she is not, and apparently I might not be either). Then, just as we open the door to leave, and we glance at one another with a coy smile that says, “yes, we’ve done it,” one or both of the boys decides a bowel movement is in order.
Four days out of five we are running to the bus stop, the youngest laughing with pure glee as my wife sprints with him down the street in the stroller, like a bobsledder out of the starting blocks. The other holds my hand and jogs at the pace of a grandpa having an aneurysm, blissfully unconcerned that the bus is literally waiting at the corner for us, and only us. It is enough to make me want to move directly next door to the school, or give up on school altogether.
Weekday mornings are hard. And that’s only half the adventure. When it’s time to pick them up at the end of the day (school lets out at 5:15) our kids are spent. They want nothing more than a banana and a meltdown, in that order. Parenting at the fringes of the day is tough.
The Traditional Dad World
One of the most difficult parts about being a dad in a traditional dad world is the expectation of daddy-time coming at the fringes of the day. Many of us are overwhelmed at the start of the day, and exhausted at the end. It is hard to be at my best when I have used up most of my energy already. My children have also used up all theirs. At the end of the day, our house requires more patience, and yet all of us are running on emotional tanks that are nearly empty.
Today, more than 90% of fathers say being a dad is core to who we are. It’s core, and we feel insecure about our ability to do it well. This isn’t helped when most of our best selves are used up away from our children. At 6pm I can handle my 3 year old’s meltdown for maybe 5 minutes before needing to walk away or have one of my own, but during the core part of the day, I can proudly outlast it. To grow into our fatherhood, we need the space to make mistakes, recover, do a little reflecting and try again.
Breaking with convention
For me, quality parenting time outside the fringes of the day has been a game changer for my confidence as a dad, and I am as intentional about accumulating it as I can be. Before my youngest went to pre-school, I would clear my mornings and engage with him as long as possible. Today, both are in school, so I design special days off and father-son trips. My 7 year-old and I just went skiing together for 4 days.
Those of us with the ability to work from home can carve out a lot more flexibility into our day to spend with our youngest children if they’re not yet in daycare or preschool. But once they are, we can still challenge ourselves to break the rules… I keep my boys home every now and then for trips to the zoo or aquarium. To be honest, they’re not old enough to be missing anything important, but they’re the perfect age to enjoy a half day at a big park or a trip to the beach.
For many of the Ambitious Dads I spoke with, breaking with the antiquated notion that we “can only” engage with our children at the fringes of the day seems to be the biggest obstacle to more quality time. If we’re willing to free ourselves of these conventional views of work and family time, endless creative opportunities for play can emerge. Here are several, and they work irrespective of your work location or role:
Morning or Mid-Afternoon Class - since most schools end far too early in the day, you could sign them up for an activity or class you do together weekly. It could be sports, art, community service, whatever. Before COVID, I did this on the front side of my day. We’d leave the apartment around 9am for coffee and hot chocolate. Then we’d go to a wonderful class about dinosaurs at the Museum of Natural History in NYC, before dropping him off with the nanny around 11:30am and starting my day. We did this weekly.
Playing hooky - there is nothing like the power of a daddy-child day together, planned far in advance that you do one time a month or even just once a quarter. I take my oldest every year to a huge amusement park. It’s worth 20 “fringe of the day” engagements.
Double (kinda, sorta) holiday - Ship out your partner for 36-48 hours and carve out a special “staycation” with your kids. Your partner will be very happy (extra bonus points for you). And you will have a unique, (albeit, intense) one-on-one weekend with your children. The advantage though, if you’re home with them, is that you’ve got familiar tools to fall back on, plus you can plan out a bunch of outdoor activities, meals, games and more together.
Daytime Internet scrolling - well not exactly, but once in a while, scope out a special, low-key project from the internet. Order the materials on Amazon and get the project set up in advance (during your “work day") so that all you have to do is sit down with your children and engage with it when they arrive home. It’s still “technically” on the fringes of the day, but the advanced planning makes it work.
When our lives are crazy busy with work and family, forethought goes a long way. Each of these ideas takes a little planning. And for the days that planning seems impossible, there’s always sugar. I’ve taken my boys straight from the bus for hot chocolate, ice cream, churros, pretty much anything with kids cocaine inside, which unsurprisingly, brings out the best in all of us for a short while. I want to parent before exhaustion sets in. These are just a few of the ways I’ve found to do it.