Growing as Dads: How Sharing Our Parenting Faults Inspires Our Kids

Both my boys were fast asleep in the back of the car. We had spent a memorable day at our favorite beach and the drive home was long. I turned on a Tony Robbins podcast above love and 30 minutes later I looked back and noticed my oldest son awake and listening. “Do you understand what they’re talking about?” I asked. “Sorta. I think. It’s about ways to be a better person and dad, right?”

My heart swelled. What a great thought to lean into. “Yes, I always want to improve as your daddy. I want to be great at doing the things I love the most.” He nodded in agreement, and from that moment on, almost weekly, I have reminded my son of the things I am working on as a daddy. “You know how I lost my temper when you wouldn’t listen yesterday, I’m still trying to stay calm more often. Will you work on staying calm more around your younger brother while I work on this?” Of course my 7 year-old said yes. (I tried it with my 3 year old and he said, “Where are my hot wheels?” Timing is everything.)

As Ambitious Dads, we love all types of improvement: home improvement, self improvement, job improvement, etc. We also still have pretty low self confidence in our fatherhood skills - just 39% of us feel like we’re doing a really good job, according to a 2015 Pew Research Study. It makes sense that we find energy and self confidence in improving ourselves as dads. But what I found motivating and quite enlightening, is that sharing  the process of struggling and growing as papa bears with our children will also benefit them. Specifically, sharing our efforts does the following:

1. Models vulnerability: when we share our difficulties at doing the things we care about we teach our children that it’s normal to express emotions openly and honestly, and be our authentic selves without fearing judgment. More importantly, it highlights the superpower of asking for help - that it is a sign of strength, not weakness.

2. Builds trust and security: when our children see us working on becoming better, it strengthens our bonds with them. It makes our children feel more trusted and secure in their relationships with us.  

3. Promotes lifelong learning: we demonstrate that growth and development are continuous processes, applicable not only to academics or careers but also to intra- and interpersonal development.

4. Encourages adaptability and resilience: when we highlight that we make mistakes, that it’s ok and provides an opportunity to learn and improve, we are teaching our children resilience and flexibility. 

5. Promotes great communication: when we are open about our efforts to improve it will foster an environment where open communication is valued. This openness will lead our children to more comfortably share their thoughts, feelings, and challenges.

How to Share Our Efforts to Improve

The value in struggling, (which we all do!) and sharing our efforts to improve as dads with our children is undeniable. And this is great because when we screw up in front of them - when we lose our temper or drop them on their head -  we can quickly transition to repair, and perhaps be a little less hard on ourselves since we now know our screwup just offered up 5 incredible growth areas for our children (Isn’t that a fun way to look at it!). The next obvious question is: How do we do it? Throughout my conversations with Ambitious Dads, I learned about a number of techniques fathers were deploying to improve themselves - from getting their children to evaluate them (annual review anyone?) to taking psychedelics. But don’t worry, there’s lots of room in between these two bookends.

Problem solving out loud

One of the simplest ways dads were approaching the topic was to model their problem solving in front of their children. When we verbalize our thinking and problem solving activities our children notice. Observational learning of thinking skills is a powerful teaching tool for kids. For example, when my son was spiraling into a tantrum I said out loud to myself, “I’m going to take 5 deep breaths now by tracing my fingers. Each time I move my right hand index finger to the top of a finger on my left hand I will breath in, then I’ll exhale as I move down to the base of the next finger.” Did it work? I certainly calmed down. Can’t say that my son followed suit in the moment, but three days later I actually saw him try it. My favorite thought on the topic was from Ambitious Dad Jamie Schleck who said, “One of the highest standards you can hold yourself to is thinking that your kids are watching you. If my daughter or son were here right now would they be satisfied with my behavior?” Amen to that.

Therapy and tripping

Many of the fathers I spoke with proudly talked about the impact therapy had on them once they became fathers. Said Ambitious Dad James Boddy, “There are still so many received patterns that show up in my parenting - unresolved stuff from my childhood. Working with my youngest son I would see myself responding the way my dad or other parental figures did. I’d get flooded with rage and my wife would have to tap me out. I started to do work with a therapist. It helped me start to explore some of the patterns of my relationship with my parents and what I was needing.” Another Ambitious Dad explained, “I started getting curious about the things I might unconsciously be transferring to my children. I didn’t want to create a block for them without knowing. My youngest was getting very aggressive and so when we saw a child psychologist, the therapist asked to do some work with me. The result was transformational.”  Another Ambitious Dad described how powerful his self work has been - both therapy and psychedelics - and wished he had started it ages before having kids. “The type of self work I’ve done over the last two years has benefitted me tremendously. I think if I started it earlier it would have helped me balance work and family more.”

What Grade Do You Give Me?

“What’s one thing I can do more of and one I can do less of?” asked Ambitious Dad and CEO Robert Mulhall. “What’s one thing I do that really annoys you?” inquires CEO Asheesh Advani. Believe it or not, many Ambitious Dads are taking creative evaluation processes from work and bringing them home. Asheesh asked his children to evaluate him every year they were in high school. The evaluation was 30 questions, on a 1 to 5 scale, and focused on things like emotional and physical safety, support and presence. 

Broadly speaking, we don’t need to begin with evaluations, psychedelics or therapy to actively improve our parenting in front of our children. It starts with merely letting them know there are specific things we want to improve. Our kids love us so much. This will melt their heart, and they’ll ask to support us and even want to participate. My son happily says we’re both working on our emotional regulation together. Isn’t that a humbling relief. I’ve got an accountability partner that’s also the love of my life.