Something Has to Give: Wellness, Work and the Art of Asking for Help

At the gym, my oh-so-clever trainer likes to ask me how I can consistently work out and still maintain my “happy belly.” I kindly reply to the 25-year-old, 1%-body-fat, five-toe-shoe-wearing expert that I work out so that I can wrestle on the bed with my two boys and not pull anything, (and so I can visit the pastry shop across the street, daily). 

How much energy is necessary to be an Ambitious Dad? We go 110% at work and our children (and spouses) want the same at home.

Chief Development Officer Leo Martellotto, of the Nobel Peace Prize nominated NGO JA Worldwide, put it perfectly, “I train for triathlons so that I can keep up with my girls. I’m never going to be 100% when I come home, but 70% of a triathlete is a lot better than 100% of a couch potato.”

It takes a tremendous amount of energy to be ready to connect with our kids after a full day of work. Being in shape helps. Recovery helps. Self care helps. This is an article about all those things. 

(Not) Superdads

We’re Ambitious Dads for a reason. We want to do it all. In fact, we think we can do it all. That’s how we’ve gotten to where we are in our careers. That’s how we sprouted the amazing families we so proudly care for.  It’s also how we end up completely depleted, kinda overweight, and always feeling like we could’ve done more. If you’ve changed enough diapers, soothed enough 30 minute tantrums, cleaned up vomit at 3am, and then tried to manage client meetings from home with a sick child, you know, something has to give. 

“I thought I could do it all,” explained Scott Klausner. “I ran myself into the ground. I took on too much. Inevitably I just ended up frustrated with everything - kids, work, etc. I didn’t pay attention to what I needed. I let myself feel guilty and inadequate, but really I was constrained.” 

The vibe that there is just too much to take on was pretty universal. Ambitious Dad Andy Mallon, who manages a $200+ million city budget, put it plainly. “There’s no way to do it all. You can’t be the person that takes your clients out for drinks and tucks your children in. And when you’re doing executive-type work it’s stressful. You need downtime. You need to prioritize your own mental health. My children are launching right now. Their most meaningful relationships are with their friends, so the amount of alone time I have is going up, and I'm not sure how to go out with friends as much. I’m thinking a lot about how to maintain mental health and happiness as the relationships with my kids and everything changes.”

Mental Health Support

According to a Verywell Mind and Parents survey, 75% of dads are looking for more mental health support. Neither dads nor their employers seem to know how to address it. Nearly a third of men have no idea what a mental health day is and only 40% have ever taken one. Underlying this reality is a deeper question, what would one do on a mental health day? Do we even know how to recharge? 

One of my dad-writer heroes,

Kevin Maguire

has beautifully and vulnerably waded into the topic of fatherhood and mental health, particularly paternal postnatal depression. The numbers are constantly changing, but the estimate is as high as 25% of new dads experience it. You can find additional resources on the topic of dad’s mental health here and here. And if that feels overwhelming, you can always reach out to me directly. 

Quality me-time means asking for help 

We can’t sacrifice ourselves. We’ll actually be worse fathers, partners and leaders. As a senior McKinsey partner puts it,  “I don’t always find time for myself. It’s really, really important, and it’s really hard and requires asking for help.” Single dad James Garas echoed the core skill required for me-time: reaching out for support. “Learning how to ask for help, both with my son, and at work, has made all the difference.”

Why is asking for help so hard? It isn’t just the Ambitious Dads that weigh in on this question. When I speak to moms about the work I’m doing, several have replied with a plea, “can you please get my husband to reach out more about parenting challenges?”  The reluctance of dads to ask for assistance is deeply rooted in our cultural expectations and personal beliefs. Here are five reasons why it can be so difficult for dads to ask for help:

1. Cultural expectations: Could anything be more cliche at this point than our portrayal as sole breadwinner and pillar of strength in our families? As we lean into fathering and discover the huge mental loads traditionally carried by our spouses, we know only too well that the pillar of strength is probably on the other side of the dinner table. But society’s image of us is stoic. We are supposed to be self-reliant. If we are going to be a figure of authority and stability for our children, how could possibly show vulnerability? (Spoiler alert, we can. It’s what the best leaders do).

2. Judgment aplenty: We too often worry about being seen as incompetent or incapable as dads when we seek help. Yet women utilize a million mommy blogs and Facebook groups, play date conversations and group texts to sort through their parenting challenges.

3. Lack of a Support Network: Too many of us lack a strong support network of other fathers / friends to turn to. Ambitious Dad Tom Gray put it plainly, “I didn’t understand the support network I needed, and my energy level was always maxed out.” The absence of a community where we can share experiences and seek advice makes outreach hard.

4. Pride: Whether we admit it or not, we internalize societal expectations and take pride in managing challenges independently. But this also creates a mental barrier to getting help, and conflicts with some of our self-image around fatherhood.

5. Where do we even look?! The majority of Ambitious Dads I’ve spoken to don’t know where to research for insights about how to deal with our children’s emotional or developmental challenges, which surprise us at every turn. The evidence is right in front of you - you’re reading my blog - what are you, crazy!?

Asking for help means telling our partners that we’re depleted. Recovery isn’t just for athletes. Sometimes all we need is some space to recharge, so we can be at our best for our families (and our work teams). As Prakash Raman explains, “I have 2 girls, and once a week I just need a guys night out. I need other outlets. I do it for myself now, but it took me a long time to do it. I felt so guilty for a while.”

What recharges you?

Every Ambitious Dad I spoke to focused on the need to be more present with their children. Presence takes energy. Playing barbie, building magnatile skyscrapers, wrestling on the bed, without energy reserves our mind goes elsewhere. Our kids are all about action. To have the energy to connect at their level only comes with being in shape. 

One of my favorite playtime anecdotes sums this up well. A four year old asked his dad to sit down in front of some legos with him. After two minutes, his son got tired of them, pulled him across the room to some hot wheels, got sick of them, brought him into the next room and started drawing with him. This went on and on. Later that day the dad asked his wife if their son was always that ADHD with his toys. She smiled and said, “don’t you see, you’re the toy!”

At certain stages, we most certainly are. And it feels amazing. And it exhausts us. The solutions aren’t rocket science. Martin Rosete swears by meditation, basketball, and running as his anchors. “I feel good physically, and that means I feel better mentally.” When James Boddy began to focus on his self care, he zeroed in on exercise, as well. “I joined the local bike club. The more I did it, the better I felt. It’s helped with the stress and anxiety of zoom calls. And it’s lowered my need for a drink after work.”

Exercise is not the only antidote, however. Our batteries are recharged in lots of different ways. I love to read, write and just create for a few hours. Others swear by a morning routine before the family is up. For some, though, the struggle is not knowing how to recharge.

Making the Space

At this point you may be asking yourself, “This is all well and good, but I’m juggling 50 balls, how do I make the space?” What I’ve gathered from countless conversations are several steps to move us from burnt out to barbieland ready:

1. Congrats, you’re in da’ club! First we recognize we’re not alone. We are all feeling this way (and chances are 99.99% your spouse is, too). Leo Martellotto said it best, “The sooner we realize that juggling all the balls perfectly is impossible, the sooner we have more peace.”

2. Exhausted family time is not family time. Second, we acknowledge the distinction between quality-time with our families and exhausted time with them. Like when you want to be hanging with your children but instead you snap when they throw a toy or you’re actually just sitting next to them doom scrolling instead of engaging them. You’re not a bad dad for needing to escape for an hour or an evening. You’re actually a better one (or you will be when you return)!

3. Babysitter bliss. Yes, you can afford a babysitter / grandma-sitter / random cashier you found at Target-sitter. The challenge is often planning it in advance, when you only really decide you need a break at the last moment. For that, there is option 4…

4. Tag-out night. Make a plan with your partner that each of you have 1 night a week when you can decide, late in the day, that you’re tagging out for the night. My wife and I do this. The rule is only once a week, and of course there are situations when the answer is a “hells no.” But we’ve found that discussing the need and philosophy behind this in advance is what makes it work. 

It is always easier said than done. And we will have lots of excuses not to put any of the balls we’re juggling down. But our families deserve us to show up for them at our best. We need to make the time to identify what we need, ask for it, and plan for it. Your entire family will be better off for it.