Who Are We Really Raising?
Rethinking success, pressure, and the kind of humans we hope to send into the world.
April 27, 2025: We’re halfway through our 12-week Founding Fathers program and the concerns, insights and connections these fathers are drawing from each other are deeply moving. This week’s article was inspired by several conversations we’ve been having around the idea of success…
We were nine of us—two families packed around a picnic table enjoying lunch in the sunshine - five kids, lots of sandwiches, and one unexpected billionaire cameo.
My friend’s 10-year-old lit up when a certain electric car drove quietly around the corner.
“He’s so cool,” he said. (This was six months ago, mind you.) I asked why.
“Because he’s so rich.”
That was true, of course. But I couldn’t help myself. I responded, “Do you think being rich makes you successful?”
He hesitated. I continued:
“The best people I know aren’t rich, but to me they’re incredibly successful—because they’re kind, and they’ve made helping others their life’s work. Like your dad.”
The conversation moved on quickly, but an hour later, my dad friend pulled me aside and said,
“I want to do more of that.”
“More of what?” I asked.
“Pushing a different narrative.”
We are parenting inside a pressure machine.
Particularly in America, everything feels like a competition: the school they attend, the sports team they try out for, the resume their build before they’re 18.
We say we want to raise good people—but our schedules say we want to raise college applicants. We say character matters—but our energy goes toward GPAs, travel leagues, and elite camps.
We’re exhausted, our children are anxious, and no one’s sure this is actually working. Several dads in my Founding Fathers program reflected that they often felt like they were managing expectations more than shaping a life. And as dads, I worry that we perpetuate it by not always being comfortable going deeper – with other dads and with our kids.
And in the absence of deeper conversations…
…our kids fill in the blanks. If we don’t talk about values, they assume TikTok’s values are ours: Fame. Wealth. Achievement. Attention. If we don’t emphasize who they’re becoming, they assume it’s all about what they’re producing.
“If I don’t slow down and name what I value,” one Ambitious Dad explained, “my kids will absorb whatever the loudest voice is. And right now, the loudest voice is telling them their worth is earned, not inherent.”
This is the reality: if we don’t define what matters, something—or someone—else will.
Redefining Success: Not What They Do—But Who They Become
Ambitious Dad Jason Holzer said it best:
“Great dads have a vision for the type of person they hope their children will become, rather than the ‘what’ they’ll do. As a dad, I often feel the impulse to guide my kids toward specific achievements, but I try to remember the real work is building a whole human, not a career.”
There is a growing drumbeat of fear by many of the Founding Fathers I’ve spoken to that we’re raising successful kids on paper, but are far less certain that they know who they want to be on the inside.
Stop asking them what they want to be when they grow up. Ask them who they want to become.
Seeds of Growth: Experiences That Shape the Soul
So what do we offer, if not more trophies and test scores?
We offer curiosity. Exposure. Stretch.
We become architects of experience—not engineers of outcome.
Here are five powerful categories of growth experiences to consider planting, to help us focus on the becoming over the achieving:
1. Exposure to New Cultures & Perspectives
Invite your kids to see beyond their bubble—through food, books, travel, or conversation. Even a walk through a different neighborhood can open their world.
One Ambitious Dad shared that his goal was for his daughter to “be able to talk to anyone, anywhere.”
2. Volunteering & Service
Let them be of use. Serving others builds empathy and purpose. It connects them to something bigger than themselves. After the devastating floods that hit Valencia, Spain, I took my son to an affected school where he joined children impacted by the floods in designing new solutions to rebuild the school from a child’s perspective. The insights he gathered from participating rather than reading were immeasurable.
3. Art, Creativity & Wonder
Let them be moved. Confused. Inspired. Creativity connects kids to their emotions and to what makes life beautiful—not just productive.
Too often the colored pencils, the paints, the weird clay figures get packed away by age 10. (We should be making weird, possibly inappropriate clay figures well into our 20s.)
4. Nature & Challenge
Get them outdoors. Let them fail. Let them feel small and strong at the same time.
Nature teaches patience, discomfort, and resilience.
One Founding Father reflected on how his parents shielded him from failure—and how that negatively shaped his risk tolerance later. He now intentionally lets his daughter struggle through new experiences - “not by juggling knives, but by trying things that stretch her.”
5. Big Conversations, Small Moments
Ask questions that don’t have right answers. Share your doubts and your joy. These are the moments that last.
I’ve written extensively about how I talk to my children about the skills I’m struggling with and want to improve - my emotional regulation and patience, for example - and how this has opened up more vulnerable conversations for all of us.
But There’s One More Thing We’re Starving For: Community
In so many conversations with dads in our Founding Fathers program, one desire keeps showing up: “I just want more community around my kid.”
Not more experts. Not more programming. Just more humans—more hands, more stories, more love. But we’re all so overbooked.
One Founding Father joked:
“I tried to make a playdate with another family and got: ‘Yeah, absolutely—I’m free next December.’”
We’ve built a world where everyone’s optimizing… and no one’s available.
We don’t just need to slow down. We need to build differently—with space, presence, and people. If we want to raise whole humans, we can’t do it alone. (And deep down, none of us thinks we were supposed to.)
So start with this:
Fast-forward 20 years.
What kind of person do you hope your child becomes?
What do you want to be true—not of their résumé, but of their character?
And are we planting those seeds today…or are we just racing past the garden?
this is a great exercise. we are going to do this!