Why Dads Should Ditch Structure: The Hidden Benefits of Unstructured Play for Fathers and Kids
May 23, 2024: I’m returning from a retreat that was deeply emotional (aka full of man-crying, hugging and healing). At the simplest level, we learned how to use our physical movements to leave our thinking brains and connect with our more primal instincts of play, emotion, and childhood - all the aspects of us that existed before worry, fear, self-consciousness and responsibility. It was transformative. I felt a lightness in my chest, hips and legs that I haven’t felt in years. It got me thinking about how often, when I “have to” engage in this play with my boys, I do so with resistance. This article is a reflection of that…
“Dad, time for ‘dance party’! Put on Breathe by The Prodigy!” screamed my newly minted 4-year old.
Thanks to Amazon Alexa, my little one lets loose to punk rock, jumping continuously for what feels like hours during which time I swing him around in circles, through my legs, over my head, and in ten other contortionist maneuvers, all perfectly designed to induce hangover-like spins. Then his brother joins in until my back gives out. Eventually and mercifully we move on to play with a non-window-safe object like a football or frisbee for another quarter hour. It’s sometimes great, always exhausting and completely unstructured.
For me, “dance party” could be a gateway to total joy and deep connections with my two boys. But it’s only fun if I can get out of my head long enough to connect with the Jeff that existed before I was self-conscious about how I gyrated, or before I worried about every bump or scratch on my boys, or before I thought about my phone, my deadlines, my ailing mother.
When I’m low on energy it feels like work. When can I end this? Will they be happy with just one more song? Can I just sneak in a quick check of my email? God, that couch looks inviting… When I’m still thinking about work it tests my patience. Where’s my wife? Can I just get them to dance with her? But when I can let go, despite everything else going on in my life, it is a miracle drug. This is the hidden secret of unstructured play - defined as activity guided by whatever interests us in the moment - from dressing up dolls, to exploring the yard, to spending 20 minutes making bubbles in the sink. With unstructured play, we are given permission to enter a world despised by our rational, to-do list focused selves. But I promise, it is craved by our hearts and bodies.
Not surprisingly, many Ambitious Dads described how challenging unstructured play is for them with their kiddos, particularly inside the house. “It’s just really hard to get good at shifting my mindset from high performing professional to that of an 8-year-old,” explained Leo Martellotto. “But when I get home, I know that if I continue to play the high performing executive role, I fail miserably. My family doesn’t care about any of that. I need to have the mindset to play Ken and Barbie or build a tent in the backyard.” Strategies to get to that mindset, rather than making executive speeches to our tweens makes all the difference in the world.
For so many fathers, (me definitely included) putting down my self-conscious, work-focused mind is really hard. “I tend to put too much structure on my kids and I see them struggle. Work is structured and kids are not.” explained Ambitious Dad Frank Bafaro. Said Brett Astor, “Turning off the productivity drive built inside me, to just sit down and engage in non-directive play with my kids, with no means to an end, and no outcome, it is hard.” He continued, “and sometimes they’ll help with cooking, cleaning, and shopping but this isn’t play. I’m trying to accomplish too much at one time with them. What they crave is just play and attention.”
The Benefits of Unstructured Play
While there are literally dozens of reasons unstructured play is a challenge for us, the data on the topic is clear: Unstructured play helps children build resilience, develop social and emotional skills, and practice creativity. And it helps us adults heal and rediscover our best and authentic selves.
When it becomes rough and tumble unstructured play, all the better. The research shows there to be specific benefits for children and dads alike. Children learn about self-control and boundaries in a supportive way. They are in a safe space where they can explore their limits between having a great time and feeling uncomfortable. My go-to activity is wrestling on the bed, but it can be much more than that. It can be hide and go seek, tag, chasing them with a Freddie Kruger mask (ok, maybe not that part). According to Fatherly, it’s particularly important for girls. For too long, girls have been taught they aren’t the ones setting boundaries, so when we are physical with our daughters and acknowledge their boundaries in play, their sense of agency is developed.
How to let it all hang out (so to speak)
So how do we completely let go? How do we move out of our comfort zone of structured environments and outcomes, cerebral activities and digital addiction and enter into the world of imaginary play, tea parties, dance offs and magnatile hysteria? Here are several strategies to break down our mental barriers:
Microdose: No, not literally. But start small. If someone told me I needed to jump into an hour-long stuffed animal tea party I’d probably volunteer to clean the kids bathroom instead. Lower the stakes. 10 minutes is a great start and reduces the pressure a lot.
Set an Intention: Before diving in, set a clear intention to be fully present. Put your cell phone in another room entirely. “The hardest part of unstructured play is getting distracted by my something shiny…my phone,” explained Matt Benedon. Remove the things from the playroom that will pull you back into work and responsibility mode. Remind yourself that the goal is connection and fun with your child.
Mindfulness and Presence: Just because you set an intention doesn’t mean you’ll be present. Use specific breathing techniques when you notice your mind wandering or refocus your attention on the sensory experiences of play. (The bumps on Lego’s can feel strangely relaxing between your finger tips, or so I’ve been told).
Use Affirmations: create a few sayings to remind yourself of the value of play. Better yet, say them together with your child. For example, “Playing with you deepens our bond” or “Getting dressed like a bearded Mickey Mouse, rolling on the floor with you makes me laugh.” Repeating these affirmations can help shift our mindsets.
Remove your managerial hat: Allow your kiddo to take the lead and guide the play. Trust me, they will have no problem inventing things to do (after all, you are their primary toy!). This should alleviate the pressure of ideation and let you just be in the experience.
Improv anyone? Try some improv activities to loosen up and get comfortable with spontaneity. These encourage silliness and really connect well with children. You can ask your child for the idea. “Pick an animal for me to impersonate!”
After dipping your feet into the world of unstructured play, moving beyond your 10 minute baseline and prepping yourself with a mantra, improv and mindfulness, consider creating a play ritual with your children. Establish a regular playtime sequence that becomes a routine. For me, it’s dance party. It kicks off the ritual of silliness, and it makes it so much easier to enjoy the moment without overthinking.
Unstructured play can also happen anywhere. Ambitious Dad and former Indian Rugby Captain Hrishi Pendse explained how he loved unstructured play outdoors. “We’ll go out and spend the day outside. There are so many avenues for it. When I pack enough snacks we can be at the playground for hours.” But for other dads, hours at the playground are as disquieting as getting down on the floor, eye level with our kiddos, and just playing. The good news is we aren’t limited. From bathtub to bed, from under the desk to on top of the carpet, if we start with 10 minutes of anything unscripted the rest will open up.