My son broke his leg skiing. At 5 years old, at the end of an incredible first ski week with all day lessons on the mountain, he asked me to do a final run with him. He kept barreling down the hill. We’d stop every 100 yards or so, and I’d tell him to do more turns. But he was 5. He hadn’t really fallen yet, and he loved it. We were a stone’s throw away from the end of the run, the last run, because it’s always on the last run, right? He hit a mogul, and his ski didn’t pop off.
I swear I hated myself more than I ever knew I could for the next two weeks. I was angry all the time. I took it out on my wife. I took it out on me. I took it out on the pastry shop down the street (sugar heals). Our son was, of course, going to be ok. He needed a cast for 6 weeks. He thought crutches were the coolest. And the following year, while I was paralyzed with fear, he went skiing again without a care in the world (kids!)
It has been two years since this, and I still, unfortunately, relive it. When my son is angry about something he wants to do, and I won’t let him, I remind him, “What’s my job as your dad?” He knows to respond, “to keep us safe.” I felt like I failed at my number one job.
I’m not really sure why, but when my oldest turned three I started telling hime that my role was to love him and keep him safe. At five, I added other responsibilities like “to help you learn.” They were simple definitions, but they helped with my focus and his nurturing.
Dad Imposter Syndrome
“I struggle with accepting my mistakes,” said Ambitious Dad, Dr. James Garas. “I am a gay, divorced father. I feel like I need to compensate for everything.”
There are all sorts of ways Ambitious Dads feel like they let their children down - and so much of it is imagined. What isn’t, though, is how hard we are on ourselves about it. Some of us worry about the past, others the future. “I worry that my ambition will require me to be less physically and emotionally present,” feared Ambitious Dad Prat Panda.
All the fathers I interviewed - all powerhouses in their careers - don’t exude the same confidence at home. They want to be great, and as you’ll see below, their visions for parenting are amazing. But with few conversations happening between fathers, even fewer role models, and no baseline data to know if their best is enough, imposter syndrome can easily creep in.
What Does it Mean to Be a Great Dad?
I asked every single one of the Ambitious Dads I’ve interviewed this question. Their answers have been as varied as they’ve been inspirational. They paint a vision of fathering that is multifaceted, challenging and deeply involved. In so many ways it highlights what is missing in our cultural conversations around fatherhood. Far from the periphery of parenting, the roles Ambitious Dads seek are deeply nurturing and focused on preparing children for the complexities of life that dads see in their own unique way. These five themes bubbled up the most in their answers to what it means to be a great dad.
We want to create strategies around fatherhood. Maybe this seems obvious, but compared to how we develop 3-year strategic plans and detailed project roadmaps at work, few of us invest in detailing our strategies for raising incredible children. As Will Peak put it, “I’m struggling to define being a great dad because I'm struggling to define what the goal is. Is it happy and content now or later?” Venture capitalist Dan Abelon put it another way, “I have a work strategy but I don’t have a strategy for family. I haven’t defined what it means to be a great dad. I’m on autopilot as a result, without a true north.”
We’re focused on fostering growth and values. There's a strong emphasis on instilling values, character, work ethic, and humility in children. This theme encompasses not just teaching these qualities but also providing a safe and nurturing environment where kids can make mistakes and grow as individuals. Devin Merrill put it this way, “Instilling values and character in my sons is my priority... work ethic, being humble, etc. Being a great dad is teaching them these things so they have them for their life.” Another Ambitious Dad and CEO emphasized the reverse, “I want to live by a set of values that makes them proud.” Vikenti Kumanikin leans into the growth piece, “My wife gives them the warm, safe feeling in their comfort zone. I push them. I have them try something new. When we do something new together it feels great because it’s low risk but exciting for them and me.”
We deeply desire being present. This includes being physically and emotionally available and demonstrating affection. As Jamie Schlek explains, “I think it’s critical to be visually affectionate and say I love you a lot, particularly with boys.” And being completely focused on the children in front of them offers an additional benefit, “I learn so much by just being present with my kids,” explained Martin Rosete. Being present came up again and again as the biggest goal (and challenge!) for dads. “When I’m at home playing with my girls I want to be 100% focused on it. I’m playing with Barbie’s, ninja’s, etc.,” said Leo Martellotto. It is what we all want, but it doesn’t make it easy.
Recognizing individuality. Dads spoke about acknowledging the uniqueness of each child and tailoring their parenting approaches to suit their child’s individual needs. This involves understanding and nurturing each child's unique identity and facilitating their personal journey with patience and love. As Andy Mallon, an Indianapolis government executive explained, “I want to give my kids the skills and opportunities to understand themselves and excel at what they want to excel at. I want to shower them with physical and emotional security and a soft landing spot or good springboard, where they walk into the house feeling safe and comfortable to be who they are, whoever they want to be.” Lawyer Scott Klausner put it similarly, “There are things that are unique in each of my kids, and my primary job is to facilitate that. And it’s exhausting because it’s not one size fits all. I want to guide them on their journeys, with patience and understanding and love, taking the time and energy to recognize this is who my kids are and nurture them on their journey.”
Consistency. This is about both consistency in activities and emotions. As CEO Jesus Gerena put it, “They can count on me. We can also expect to be together at dinner time.” Consistent opportunities for interaction builds trust and cements connection. For some fathers that meant mealtime or playtime, for others it meant being emotionally steady and present. And no dads felt they did this perfectly, but it was their goal.
If you’re curious and want to be further inspired by some of the amazing definitions our Ambitious Dads gave to the prompt: what does it mean to be a great dad?, I’ve created a separate entry here with my favorite, most inspiring quotes. These were all “off the cuff,” and they’re beautiful.
We Are Good Dads
Some of us feel like the jury is still out (perhaps until our children are fully grown?!) But, I want to posit a simple answer to the question this article poses: Are we good dads? That answer: yes. When we are willing to ask this question and sit in the fear of uncertainty and make the efforts to try harder. The question was not if we are perfect dads (My son broke his leg!) The question is do we strive to be better, want to learn more, get frustrated with our imperfect responses to tantrums and irrationality, then afterwards try to imagine what we could do differently next time. But most importantly, as Dr Becky would ask, “Did we try to repair?” If we can hug it out with our children and ask for a do-over, then we are good dads.
I have to agree with the want to be fully present.
Fully present playing with Barbies, hide and seek, or watching Little Mermaid...this is not easy to keep work and other things out of my time with my girls, but even though they are young, they can sense when I am "there" with them fully or not.
Very far from perfect, but have been proactively positioning my mind to be more present when at dinner, play time, and bed time.
Fantastic post Jeff, thank you!