What Makes a Dad Great? Fathers Share Their Secrets

Dozens of Ambitious Dads share their candid and spontaneous thoughts on the art of being great fathers

What does it mean to be a great dad?

I asked more than 40 dads this question. Their answers were beautiful and diverse and inspiring. I wanted to share the great majority of them here below. (I’ll keep adding more, as well). I’ve also summed up the most common themes from their responses, which you can read about in my related article: Am I a Good Dad?

“It’s about love and presence - not quantity of time but really being with him. I want to raise him to be an open kid that can find his way and that requires self love. How do I model self love? Also, being in relationship with him and getting feedback on how to parent. Knowing when to direct and make decisions and knowing when to co-create.”

“Success is when your adult children want to spend time with you. The role of great dad is a balance between being a role model, listening board, shoulder cry on and a friend.”

“It’s the balance of teaching them and getting them set up to be a great person in the world vs. being a friend. When to focus on discipline and when to let them get frustrated. Balancing all this is hard - balancing coddling and letting them grow. I want to give them the elements of love and comfort and support to let them grow. And being consistent with them. And sharing and showing my emotions with them.”

“Knowing that I’m there and they are loved is priority number one.”

“To me, it’s being present for my kids. Unconditional availability - when your kid asks for you, you stop and listen and remove yourself from what you’re doing and in that moment. If you stop doing the other thing you were doing you give them all your presence, you connect. I think this is a constant challenge. I’m constantly working on it.”

“Being there and spending time with them - and being present (and not on your phone) when you are there.  Giving them a variety of experiences - not just in their comfort zone. We put a high value on multiple languages, exposure to diverse kids and backgrounds.” 

“Make them happy, content, and also motivated and driven. I’m struggling to define being a great dad because I’m struggling to define what is the goal. Is it happy and content now or later?”

“You have to avoid having kids become what you want them to be by making sure they become what they want to become. You’re there to build their base in terms of values, but don’t build your kids based on your specific interests. Let them use these values to go after what they want to go after and know that these values are imbedded in them. That mandate to be a certain way is where the frustration comes from as a dad. What changes over time is your level of concern but not the definition.”

“Fulfilling my responsibilities as a dad which are to provide for emotionally and physically, and to protect, to lead my family. A big part of my job is that I represent to my son authority, discipline and identity so I want him to know who he is as a person and I want to lead him through that process. My job is also to prepare him for where he is in his life. Leading my family means establishing goals where me and my ex-wife are headed, also defining what our spiritual goals are, and school wise for my son and emotionally to make sure we’re emotionally whole.”

“ A combination about how i feel how i’m doing and how my kids react to me. When they’re comfortable jumping on u at 4.30am and will just walk up and give u a hug and a kiss.”

“I hope I’m if not the first call the first few calls when someone is in a crisis. That I’ve modeled responsibility and empathy in a way that’ll help them be better humans and make a difference - be net producers as society members”

“Being present. Being curious to ask open ended questions to your kids. Have the hard conversations - and not letting the emotions of it derail things. Live by a set of values that makes them proud.”    

“1. Being fully present. 2. Being a role model  3. Safety and predictable environment. They can try things and be honest and open. There’s a place for this where they can be their full selves.  4. My wife gives them the warm safe feeling in their comfort zone. I push them. Ihave them try something new. I want to give them a slight kick in the butt and try something new. When we do something new together it feels great because it’s low risk but exciting for them and me.   5. Being comfortable having conflicts with the kids - challenging them when they’re not behaving the right way. You don’t always have to be the good guy. Sometimes you have to be strict and clear about what is acceptable and not.”

“To see the kids happy and laughing and learning. That’s how i measure my success as a dad. I want to see my kids grow up and make decisions without fear.”

At this age, it’s about being present. And really flexing the empathy muscle and not reacting negatively to their emotions.

“Give my kids skills and opportunities to understand themselves and excel at what they want to excel at. I want to shower them with physical and emotional security and soft landing spot or good springboard, where they walk into the house feeling safe and comfortable to be who they are, whoever they want to be. Poking and prodding them to be who they are and who they want to be. You can fall into a trap with your kids where you focus on what your kids mean to you rather than what you mean to them. This happens at work, too. But at work staff will give you feedback, kids won’t necessary do that. It’s really important to put yourself in their shoes and understand how they hear you, and how they see you. I do it mostly by being mindful of it - paying attention about how they respond to you, what they say to you, checking in with how they understood something. They want to be connected to their parents. They’re always scanning for ways to be connected or avoid conflict with their parents so what you give them, and how they are able to connect with you is important. If you only show them attention in specific ways - in sports for example - then that’s how they’ll understand love and attention from you. So you have to find ways that aren’t selfish (not about my interests).”

“Instilling values and character in my sons is my priority. Setting them up for life. Doing right by them. The values and character are what will see them through in life. Work ethic, being humble, etc. Being a great dad is teaching them those things so they have them for their life.”

“Making sure the kids experience of childhood is amazing - there is a ton of joy, and they are present and happy. Another element is that it sets them up for success over time - gets them the life skills they need. Also, we transmit the values we want so they are good, ethical, moral people, and so their entire life is fulfilling.”

“As much as possible i want to create as many memories and stories as i can with my kids both mundane and amazing. So we have in our piggy bank all these moments to cherish together. It’s a lot to realize that who I am being, how loved my kids feel, has a huge impact on them. I have to acknowledge their emotions and be present with them so I need to make sure they feel secure attachment so they know to receive this from their future spouses. If they feel loved, fully loved, even in the worst of their emotions, then they will probably be just fine.”

“I think of guardrails - life is messy, if i can put up some guardrails so they can get sloppy within them. Another piece of a good dad is being a good husband: how I listen to her, think with her, how we’re a team. I learned that the hard way with my parents.  I’ve got to open my kids eyes to the world. I take my oldest on 1 big international trip a year, sometimes 2.”

“80% of it is just showing up. Knowing you’re there and having your back. It’s the extra 20% that goes from good to great. It’s knowing them, seeing them as people, not extensions of yourself nor as obligations.”

“One aspect is being a provider OR enabling the other partner to provide. That is table stakes for me. Then there’s the relationship I want to have with my kids - a function of the quality time, experiences, conversations, the small moments. I want quality and quantity time with my kids - because it’s the unplanned moments that are also powerful. The kids should be open and comfortable with me.”

“There are things that unique in each of my kids and my primary job is to facilitate that. And it’s exhausting cuz it’s not one size fits all. I want to guide them on their journeys with patience and understanding and love, taking the time and energy to recognize this is who my kid is and nurture them on their journey.”

“To be really present, particularly emotionally. To be like a pillar, solid and constant. I also practice respectful boundary parenting. I want the kids to trust the boundary.  How can I be present and unwavering for my wife, too. Like when I come down from work, just plant myself in the kitchen and listen for like 15 minutes. And then when I do that well, the dance sorta starts.”