Ambitious Dads: How Our Children’s Tantrums are (Finally) Teaching Us About our Own Emotions

My 6-year-old son has a ton of temper tantrums at home. Not necessarily screaming or hitting, although when his younger brother is nearby a right jab is possible. More often, though, he uses this angry, obnoxious tone of voice when he is frustrated. 

About a year ago it hit me (not him), but rather his behavior. It was mine. The tone, the knee jerk reaction to frustration, all of it. My emotional weaknesses were being reflected back at me in a way that honestly brought me shame. (And as a coach I will tell you that shame is not necessary for change. It is, in fact, counterproductive).  My point is that if I wanted to help him with his emotional regulation, I would need to start with mine. I’ve been in therapy ever since

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I’m not alone. Emotional outbursts – from both father and child - were among the most consistent insecurities conveyed to me by Ambitious Dads. “The biggest thing stressing me out is my inability to manage my emotions,” confessed a world-renowned CEO coach. One McKinsey dad put it plainly, “I see that when I get angry my son copies it immediately.”  

All the great educators, think tanks and recruiters will tell you that social and emotional intelligence skills are critical to success in the 21st century. But fu#$ me, parenting in a highly emotional state is hard!

Why is this bubbling up now?

Unless you are living in a 1960’s Flintstones family bubble, you’ve recognized the seismic shift in how we manage parental responsibilities today. As contemporary dads, and according to Pew Research from 2019, we now average 6.9 hours per week on childcare, nearly three times the 2.5 hours reported in the 1960s. And honestly, all the fathers I interviewed consider that number insultingly low. Regardless, this increased involvement has led to a paradigm shift as we attempt to parent a greater number of emotionally charged moments than our fathers ever did.

A meta study this year by Nur Islahiam in Infant and Child Development found that fathers' positive reactions and support in responding to their child's expression of emotions (aka tantrums) and their positive parenting in terms of sensitivity, engagement, and expressiveness—had significant associations with their children's higher emotional response skills. You’d think this fact would motivate dads to delve into their emotional well-being and actively seek ways to improve, but change is a bit like my son’s tantrums - sporadic and laden with mucous.

“My daughter had a one-hour meltdown and after 30 minutes I lost it and yelled. These skills are not second nature to us as guys, I think.” reflected one global executive I interviewed. “For my wife, it feels like it is. I am deeply wanting to better emotionally regulate and learn how to do so with my kids. My daughter told me, ‘when you’re angry you are actually scared’ and I think she’s probably right”

Dad Feels Mirrored Back

If this is making you think “shit, my brilliantly stunted emotions might be f!#%’ing with my kids,” here are three ways to be sure:

1. Behavioral Mirroring: If you notice similarities between your child’s emotional responses and your own, it's an indicator that they may be mirroring your emotional patterns. Example: Your child drops a cup and gets angry at themself, he or she is learning it from somewhere.

2. Communication Breakdowns: Difficulty in open and easy communication or strained conversations with your children may signify an emotional gap. If your children seem hesitant to express themselves, it might be a reflection of unaddressed emotional challenges. Example: If your child drops the glass and get very quiet, it’s a different reaction, yet the same problem as above.

3. Repetitive Emotional Outbursts: If your children frequently experience emotional outbursts or exhibit patterns of emotional distress, chances are they are absorbing and reflecting the emotional environment provided by their parents. Example: If your child drops a cup and you both tell your wife to f@!#$ off, you might be the problem. 

Mastering Our Emotional Joystick

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist (nor CEO) to recognize that having support is a great first step in managing our emotional joysticks. Unfortunately, a significant portion of fathers feel isolated in their parenting journey. Just over half of dads report losing touch with friends after becoming a parent and a meager 8% make new friends afterwards. As one Ambitious Dad put it, “I was talking with several men the other week and we just realized we need a lot more self- compassion. There’s a mindset that instead of expectations we just need intention [about how we want to be with our kiddos]. If every week we had gathering about processing emotions on a regular basis, that’d be huge.”

Therapy please

Simultaneously, a joint study by VeryWell Mind and Parents found that three-quarters of dads want more mental health support. Worse still, only 27% of dads say their friends or family check in on them, even though 55% say they wish they did it more. (Calls to action anyone?!) Of course, this isn’t everyone. One of the Ambitious Dads I interviewed, a former regional CEO and now global executive, explained that a few years ago he recognized his daughter getting very aggressive. He and his wife decided to bring her to see a child psychologist who promptly asked him some pointed questions about his emotions, and how he managed them. He told me he quickly realized he was unconsciously transferring his emotional responses onto his daughter and if he didn’t address it quickly, it would become a real hurdle for her. Now he sees a therapist regularly to focus on his own emotional dysregulation.

Let’s educate ourselves

Invest time in learning about emotional intelligence and parenting strategies. Books, workshops, and online resources offer valuable insights into effective ways to nurture your emotional well-being and support your children. Far too many of the leaders I interviewed couldn’t name a podcast, book or Instagram influencer (not Kanye) that they leaned on for ideas - but there are so many out there. A few of my favorites: Dr Becky on Instagram, Fatherly’s book Fatherhood, and the Daily Dad newsletter by Ryan Holiday.

Fail & Recover

When we reach minute 30 (oh hell, even minute 5) of a temper tantrum and lose our temper we need a bit more self-compassion. Even when that is hard to come by, there’s an amazingly simple recovery moment of opportunity for all of us at the end of our child’s breakdown: an apology. I may be “in process” on managing my emotions well during my boys’ tantrums, but I am an expert at apologizing, and I’m very proud to say my sons have definitely mirrored me in this skill.

Attempting to be a great dad requires courage and growth and making yourself vulnerable. It’s inevitable. We can’t face the terrible twos, and threes and sixteens without looking into our feelings of pain and hurt. But we must have faith in our ability to heal. Only hurt people hurt others. If you want to be the Ambitious Dad you know you can be, let go of the things that hurt you by getting help and talking it all through. I’ve done it. Other CEOs I interviewed have done it. Why don’t you?