From Boardroom to Playroom: Tips for Transitioning from Work Mode into Super Dad
My youngest somehow magically knows, probably with my wife’s encouragement, when I’ve finished my last call and am closing my laptop. He’ll show up in my office with two monster trucks, hand me one, and with puppy dog eyes exclaim, “It’s Hot Wheels time, Daddy!”
But how do we get into the “Ken and Barbie mindset,” to borrow a phrase used by one of the Ambitious Dads I spoke to? How do we shift from being a high performing professional to a playdate with an 8-year old? Regardless if we are working in an office or the room next to the kitchen, the work-mode to daddy-mode transition is a daunting challenge.
“Sometimes I see myself giving a speech to my children and I’m like, ‘what am I doing? I’m not at work.’ And I try to change my mindset,” says Leo Martellotto. “It takes some time for the full mindset shift, maybe even an hour, to let it go,” says Executive Vice President Devin Merrill. “I don’t show up as my best self for a while so there’s a transition period. There are times when it’s just really difficult and I lose my patience too fast.”
Why is it so damn hard?
Is it merely because it’s difficult to wrap our heads around leading, potentially, hundreds of staff one minute then being bossed around by a 6 year-old in a batman cape the next? Well yes, and no. The neuroscience tells us that cognitive task switching is no walk in the park. Different parts of our gray matter are engaged with different tasks so moving from work-related goals to ninja warrior playmate involves a real cognitive shift. This requires a lot of mental flexibility and energy. Energy which, as I discussed in my article on wellness, is in short-supply at the end of the day.
Separately, but equally challenging, work can activate our body’s stress response, releasing hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. These can persist in the body after work ends and easily interfere with the more empathetic and relaxed state most helpful for imaginary tea parties with unicorns. Of course, there’s also the long-term struggle of emotional regulation, which I’ve written about here. We use up all our emotional energy not strangling our Gen Z analyst Ryan who has asked for feedback for the 14th time on the 4 slide presentation they were supposed to have completed last week. When our kiddo then grabs our leg because he wants to be dragged across the floor, we don’t have the head space to enjoy our new 20 pound foot anchor.
All this is to say we have legitimate reasons to develop transition strategies in order to enter the evening as our full selves with our children and family. There are several well known practices, like exercise and meditation. One CEO I interviewed swears by jogging after work to relieve his stress, which he admits both works and takes time from the family. Several others utilize meditation practices, but as Kevin Thompson explained, “my meditation moment at the end of the day doesn’t always work.”
Creative Approaches to the transition
The transition to parenting can be divided into two parts:
Part 1 is what we do to close out our work immediately after shutting our computer.
Part 2 is how we can incorporate our kiddos in the transition.
As an executive coach, I use a number of simple practices for Part 1, to try and lighten my cognitive load at the end of the day and be better prepared for my boys. The simplest is writing down my three biggest wins for the day, followed by my top 3 goals for tomorrow. Part of our mental transition is getting closure on our efforts over the last 8+ hours, and we can struggle with feelings of not having accomplished enough from our to-do list. Writing down the 3 biggest victories from our day helps with this. Then my top 3 priorities for the next day helps release the to-do list for tomorrow from my head.
As for part 2, it’s all about creating a ritual. The idea is to engage with our children in some brief way to help us shift our mindset into dad-mode. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but I’ve collected five, rather funky ways to get your imagination moving in a new direction. Use these or create some of your own:
Themed Evening Kick-Offs: Designate each day of the week with a fun theme that starts right when you get home. For instance, "Magic Monday" could involve wearing a magician's hat as you walk in the door and performing a simple magic trick for your kids, or "Time-Travel Thursday" where you and your children pretend to be in a different era or place, and start speaking with a weird accent, helping to immediately shift your mindset from work to play.
Family Dance Party: Begin your post-work routine with a family dance party. I do this a lot with my boys. Their song choices are suspect (Sabotage by the Beastie Boys and Breathe by The Prodigy). We dance like crazy ravers for about 10 minutes, often with me spinning them in circles and trying not to vomit. It’s literally non-stop laughing and energy. I love it.
Storytelling Switch: Create a storytelling ritual where you and your children exchange stories about your day, but with a twist – you make your work story suitable for a children's tale, where every email from Chase, the intern, is converted into ninja attacks on your critical race track project plan. Imagining how to convert your day into an adventure can be a fantastic way to transition your mind to family time.
Costume Change Ritual: Every time there’s a birthday in my son’s class, that child gets to wear a crown for the day. You can order some fun superhero capes and spend an evening designing them with paint and pens. Then on certain days when you come home, or leave the home office / closet, you put it on to start your evening with them. This physical transformation can symbolize shedding your work persona and stepping into your superhero dad role.
Cooking Together: This one really depends on your predisposition for making food. I love it both as a way to be creative and as a means to engage in a focused activity with my sons. If you have certain nights pre-planned for pizza making or even baking, it’s a good transition opportunity to chat, nibble and let loose with too many chocolate chips.
You can also go simpler, with a goofy photo of you and your kids the moment you enter the room. The goal is a tradition that helps us get work out of our heads. And with a little bit of planning, it can get us on their level quickly. It will also benefit everyone to include our partners in the planning. They may also be transitioning from work and want the support and encouragement. Planning an approach together (and which days one of you might need more support) will make a difference.
The reality is, short of a magical nightly happy hour granted by the spouse fairies and sponsored by Jose Cuervo, there’s no avoiding the transition. We think about it because we want to show up well for our family. They miss us when we work and want us to jump into their lives as soon as we make an appearance (unless they’re teenagers). Choose something new to try out at least one day this week and let me know how it goes!